If you haven't signed up for Baseball Prospectus Premium yet, maybe your concern for Todd Helton will convince you to do so. Will Carroll's invaluable "Under the Knife" column has been all over the Helton situation, laying out all of the possibilities while remaining as soothing and anti-alarmist as journalistic integrity will allow. I'm not going to undercut Carroll and BP by quoting any of what's there been written, but I feel close enough of a bond with Will (in the sense that I feel fairly confident that he maybe knows who I am) to relay that one upside of Todd's stomach pains being so severe is that it probably rules out a chronic condition. But, on the downside, his being out of the hospital doesn't necessarily mean he's on the road to recovery, either. Helton remains without a diagnosis, but when he gets one, you'll hear it here first. Well, maybe at UTK first, but we will be the first to steal it.

Where are we sending the embarrassment ninjas this week? Will it be to Cincinnati, where it took GM Wayne Krivsky 20 whole games to realize that Tony Womack can't play anymore? Could it be Arizona, where the awful Russ Ortiz finally lost his spot in the rotation after one win in his last 16 starts (and with three years, $23 million remaining on his contract)? The chat rooms of ESPN.com are disqualified as they're not in fact a physical place, but just today I read there Joe Morgan continuing to insist that no one who didn't play baseball could ever teach him anything about the game and someone informing Rob Neyer that Joey Gathright is a "potential superstar." Sometimes I wonder about this country.

But England, on the other hand: Liverpool made it to the FA Cup final. Hells yeah. They ought to be prohibitive favorites May 13th against the Hammers of West Ham. Plus, Steven Gerrard claimed the Premiership's version of the MVP. That ought be enough soccer coverage for this month. I promise I won't bother you again with it until the eve of the big game at Millennium Stadium.