Baseball Toaster Bad Altitude
58 Lines About 29 Teams
2006-08-08 06:03
by Mark T.R. Donohue

So I had a hunch that the Rockies were going to beat the Dodgers last night, as referenced in yesterday's post. Well, I was wrong. I should have known better. Brad Penny clearly has Colorado's number. Oh, wait, he has Greg Maddux's number. Maybe he has both. In the interest of fostering a spirit of balanced coverage of all the big leagues' outposts, this morning I'm dedicating myself to finding something interesting to say about every team in baseball that isn't the Rockies. With apologies to The Nails:

Fausto's closing days ended quick, man
Who ever thought they'd miss Bob Wickman?
Livan's arrival can't fix by half
The rest of Arizona's pitching staff
Oft-injured Rocco's back to bop
Doubles and triples 'round the Trop
The M's division hopes were blown when
They lost twelve of their last twelve to Oakland

Mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm

A good week in New York, but there's something else, see
The Yankees payroll? Less than Chelsea's
Crosstown, in advance of '09
The Mets extended Reyes and Wright
Though the Angels' youth movement remains uncompleted
Their rookie starters: undefeated
Pittsburgh fans can forget this season Saturday
As their Pirates dress as Homestead Grays
Winning days return for the orange and black
Bringing fans -- and scalpers -- back
For the Giants, continued success in Phoenix brought with it
Questions on the future of free agent Jason Schmidt
Search as I might, there's nothing new to say
About the Red Sox -- Papi's good, fans are panicking anyway
Same thing with the Phillies, they're missing something
I don't know what it is, they don't even get a rhyme

Mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm

Though I can't believe they've not yet fired the slob
The Cubs' hot play could save Dusty's job
Meanwhile for the White Sox the debate rages
Have they taken over the city, ask the newspaper pages
Though a wild card title may be out of reach
For Milwaukee Cordero's been a peach
For Texas things went from bad to worse
When starter Eaton was ejected in the first
Despite their recent losing streak
The Cardinals' offense still preys on the weak
In Houston, fading playoff chances
Inspire columnists: "More money's the answer!"
Silver linings aren't too hard to find, really
For Kansas City: Ryan Shealy
Things keep getting better for the Nationals despite relocation fears
Hell, the games are on TV and it only took two years!

Mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm

While it may be true that it's too late for their season to be saved
As a Rockies fan I've got absolutely zero sympathy for the Braves
If it wasn't bad enough that the Dodgers finished sweeping
Florida had to suffer after through the dread Team Meeting
As the A's begin to pull away, the tricky thing is here
Pretending to act surprised like this doesn't happen every year
San Diego finds their hole at third a blockade to further winning
I don't still don't know what it was they were thinking signing Vinny
The Blue Jays' days in the race have long been over, really
So why these rumblings of a conspiracy over Ted Lilly?
You know what, this is harder than it looks, and I really need to get to the store
So excuse me if I skip one -- no one cares about Baltimore
If Liriano's out, there go the Twins' postseason hopes
Must ask Will Carroll what he thinks...I'm making a mental note
The Reds' big matchup with the Cards was over before most were seated
You gotta keep asking yourself, this is our wild card leader?
It's not by accident I'm making the Dodgers' line the last one to be sent
So I can remind you all how much I hate, hate, hate, hate, HATE Jeff Kent.

2006-08-08 07:52:27
1.   DXMachina
Good song.
2006-08-08 08:45:26
2.   Bob Timmermann
More contemporary songs should contain hypertext links.
2006-08-08 12:04:36
3.   unmoderated
heh, that's great.
2006-08-08 12:41:24
4.   Kels
Maybe Rockies fans just hate people named Jeff….Jeff Kent…Jeff Cirrilo….I'm not a fan of Jeffrey Hammonds either…but I guess Jeff Francis ruins my theory....
2006-08-08 13:07:55
5.   Ali Nagib
Jeffrey Loria
2006-08-08 13:33:56
6.   Suffering Bruin
FWIW, Tony Jackson was on "Cold Pizza" this AM. Jackson is the Dodgers beat writer for the LA Daily News. I like Tony's work but frankly, he wasn't all that great on the television though he casually said that Kent is not too popular in the clubhouse because he keeps to himself and doesn't talk to other players.

Watching Kent I'm reminded how I felt watching Karl Malone play for the Lakers. I hated Karl when he was with Utah but when played for LA, I started to appreciate the many, many things he did to contribute to a winning team. That's how I feel about Kent.

2006-08-08 22:50:25
7.   confucius
As a Dodger fan, the day Jeff Kent leaves the team whether it be through retirement or free agency, I'll say 'I never knew you'.
2006-08-09 01:48:57
8.   Yu-Hsing Chen
Hahahah good one

Comment status: comments have been closed. Baseball Toaster is now out of business.